Archives of Sexual Behavior, Vol. 26, No. 5, 1997

Coming Out by South Asian Gay Men in the United Kingdom Dinesh Bhugra, M.Sc., M.B.B.S., F.R.C.Psych., M.Phil.1

The process of coming out among Western gay men and women is well described. The present study is the first to explore the experiences of coming out among gay men of South Asian origin in the U.K. South Asian is defined here as originating from the Indian subcontinent. Members of a homophile organization were given a questionnaire designed to assess the experiences of coming out to family and friends and the degree of compartmentalization in their lives. Information obtained from 52 questionnaires was supplemented by detailed interviews with 9 respondents. Families and religion played important roles in the process of coming out. Sisters were most likely to be told first. Some degree of dissonance between cultural and sexual identity was noted. In addition, each step taken in revealing one's sexual orientation to friends, family, and colleagues was dictated by the strength of the relationships and the desire for intimacy. Further areas of research are highlighted. KEY WORDS: homosexuality; gay men; coming out; South Asian.

INTRODUCTION Over the last 15-20 years "coining out" has become commonplace in the gay and lesbian community. This process has been described as an active process which involves a complex interaction of intra- and interpersonal transformations spread over a period of time. Identity formation is an interactive process between the individual and society and is highly influenced by the norms and values of family and society at large (Erikson, 1946). Cohen and Stein (1986) defined the process of coming out as "a complicated developmental process which involves at a psychological level a per1Institute

of Psychiatry, De Crespigny Park, London SE5 8AF, England. 547 0004-002/97/1000-0547$12,50W C 1997 Plenum Publishing Corporation

548

Bhugra

son's awareness and acknowledgement of homosexual thoughts and feelings .... Various factors will affect the relative positive or negative meaning the individual places on the identity which emerges as a result of the coming out process." Various authors have described several stages of this process (Table I). The process of coming out is not staged and remains a fluid one. Although some authors (e.g., Coleman, 1985) have argued that each stage needs to be resolved prior to moving on to the next, it is not always possible and a degree of overlap between various stages is inevitable. The first stage of coming out has been called signification (Lee, 1977), awareness (Hencken and O'Dowd, 1977), acknowledgment or identification (Dank, 1971). Median age for this process is reported to be from 13 to 18 (Jay and Young, 1979; Weinberg and Williams, 1973). At this stage acceptance from a close friend means much more than acceptance from a stranger. Dank (1971) used coming out and bringing out interchangeably and argued that following the stage of coming out: there occurred a cognitive reshaping of one's experiences that was related to a great sense of relief and freedom. The development of homosexual identity has been described as occurring in six stages with relevant arbitrary stages in the model proposed by Isaac and McKendrick (1992). They suggest that after identity challenge in the early teens, identity exploration occurs in the late teens when a testing out phase may occur, with accompanying anxiety, turmoil, and self-esteem jeopardized. In the early 20s, the beginning of identity achievement occurs with commitment occurring over most of the adult life. In their survey of gay organization members in South Africa they found that 67% of the sample had come out between the ages of 15 and 24. Nearly half (46%) had experienced crisis in coming out which included psychiatric treatment, panic, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, rejection, and disapproval. Coleman (1982) suggested that some individuals begin tasks at higher levels of development before focusing on the task of an earlier stage. Thus, the fluidity of the process and parallel development of more than one stage are useful paradigms. Friends are often the first persons to be told (Trenchard and Warren, 1984) and the next step is making contact with other gay men and lesbians through a variety of outlets. The parents may be the last in the individual's circle to be told. This is related to the fear of precipitating a family crisis (Wirth, 1978; Cramer and Roach, 1988). However, little information is available on experiences of gay men from other cultures and societies, particular those in South Asia and on especially those on the Indian subcontinent (Bhugra, 1990). From South Asia several anecdotal reports on homosexual cruising (Sultan, 1990); homosexual prostitution (Seabrook, 1990) homosexuality among eunuchs (Dalrymple, 1990), and some data on

Coming Out by South Asian Gay Men

549

550

Bhugra

homosexuality among prisoners (Srivastva, 1973, 1974a, 1974b), have appeared. Some studies have looked at homosexual experiences among university students (Dwivedi et al., 1979) in the context of general sexual behavior though often it is the attitudes of the teenagers that have been studied rather than the behavior itself (Bali, 1980, Bhugra and King, 1989). In a small sample of "immigrants" in Canada, Tremble et al. (1989) reported that all youngsters in their sample reported conflict in coming out. This conflict was variously with themselves, with original and/or adopted culture and with their families. The families' responses varied from embarrassment, shock, self-blame, blaming the adopted culture, and seeing it as a white disease. The three issues these authors raise were pursued in the present study: (i) particular difficulties in coming out to family; (ii) finding a niche in the gay and lesbian community in the face of discrimination; and (iii) difficulties in reconciling sexual orientation and ethnic or racial identity.

METHOD Sample Selection Common to all studies of homosexual people is the problem of ascertainment, in that most samples are unlikely to be truly representative of the homosexual community. It is even uncertain whether there is such a thing as a representative sample of a group of people who live life-styles of varying openness. Thus, to study this population, it is necessary to resort to available social or political groups or pools of people who may be prepared to take part. In 1988, a new social group exclusively for South Asian gay men and women was set up in London (Khan, 1989a, 1989b). From an initial membership of 4 the membership at the time of the study stood at over 100. The membership is far larger than the number of people who attend on any one social occasion or meeting. Thus, subjects were approached both at meetings and by post. All were asked to complete an anonymous questionnaire. In addition a different group of individuals who had not filled in the questionnaire were asked to take part in an interview. No refusals were met within this group. Questionnaire Design An open-ended questionnaire was designed using the item selection from Western studies on coming out, e.g., Cass (1979), Coleman (1985),

Coming Out by South Asian Gay Men

551

and Lee (1977). In addition to basic demographic questions, i.e., sex, marital status, religion, and occupation, the questionnaire asked the respondents to describe the experiences of coming out—how they did so; who did they come out to; in which order; their own reactions and others' reactions; and attempts at hiding their own sexuality. These respondents are hereafter referred to as QRs. A small pilot study confirmed that the questions were acceptable and understandable. Interview A separate sample of 9 male respondents was recruited for the interview in which open-ended questions were asked. All these respondents were at one of the meetings of the group. There was no random selection. It is possible that those who agreed would have felt more comfortable in talking about their coming out than those who did not, but no respondent who was approached refused to take part. The aim of the interview was to ascertain the difficulties of coming out. Each interview lasted between 45-75 min and was recorded and transcribed. These are referred to as IRs hereafter. Only the interviewer was aware of the identity of the interviewees. Total confidentiality and anonymity was observed in analysis of the data. The interviewees were asked a set of questions about whether they were out to anybody—at work, at family, with friends, relatives, or others; how they decided to come out; and social pressures, role of marriage, expectations of parents, and the reactions of individuals.

RESULTS Demographic Details A total of 52 usable questionnaires (out of a total of 89 circulated to both sexes, a response rate of around 58%) was obtained. In this group the age range was 16-61 and 30 were less than 25 years. The majority of QRs were single (47 of 52), two were married, and 1 divorced. In this group, 8 were Hindu, 14 Muslims, 3 Sikhs, 2 Catholics, and 13 did not respond to the question of religion. Employment status is shown in Table II. All the students were in full-time education. Of 47 who responded to the question, 13 were in a gay relationship, 9 described it as closed monogamous and the rest reported having one regular partner and others. Of the 50 who defined their sexuality, 39 saw it as gay/homosexual, whereas 11 described it as bisexual. Among the 9 IRs, 5 were Hindu and 4 Muslim.

552

Bhugra TableIII.Employment Status Employment Pharmacist/solicitor/accountant/consultant/engineer Adm. officer/computer/retail management Self-employed/business/sales Students Unemployed Not known

QR

IR

12 15 7 6 6 6

2 2 3 2

Table III. People to Be Told of QR's Sexual Orientationa

Friends Female friend Gay friend Cousins Parents Workmate Sister Brother Teacher Doctor Others

First people to be told

First Asians to be told

21 8 5 4 3 3 3 2 2 2 4

18 3 9 3 2* 6 2 3

a

Numbers do not match up because individuals gave more than one reply. b ln one case parents "found out."

Five were below 25 years (age ranging from 21). Of this group 3 were students, 2 unemployed and the remainder employed. Not all respondents answered all questions, hence number of responses to various questions varies. Communication of Sexual Orientation Table III shows the range of the first two people the QRs had come out to. It also shows the relationship of the first two Asian people QRs had come out to. Among this group of 9 gay friends 6 belonged to the said homophile organization. Of 45 who responded to the question, 14 said

Coming Out by South Asian Gay Men

553

that they would take a pill if it would make them completely and permanently heterosexual. A similar proportion, 14, acknowledged a degree of regret in being homosexual. Thirty-two QRs would make specific attempts to hide their sexuality compared to 12 who would not. Since the numbers are small, especially in terms of religious denomination, this, in general, as a factor has not been taken into account.

DISCUSSION This is the first study of the processes of coming out among Asian gay men and has some methodological problems in its sample selection. No acculturation or assimilation measures were used and there is no comparison group. The duration of their stay in the U.K. was not ascertained. The present work is only exploratory and gives expression to the authentic voices of Asian gay men and should, therefore, be seen as a first step towards understanding of issues of psychological health in Asian gay men. Another problem is with the use of open-ended questionnaires with a postal survey which produced somewhat incomplete responses. The responses to this study may not be representative of the total Asian gay population, but for purposes of determining attitudes it is representative of the gay Asian group that is "out." The overall age distribution is towards the younger and a majority were born in the U.K. Their experiences therefore are different from the older Asian males who may have been born in the Indian subcontinent. Another note of caution involves the use of the term "coming out." Issues Pertaining to the Self An interesting observation was that 11 of SO (22%) saw themselves as bisexual and yet were attending a gay group. This may suggest that this concept allows people to come to terms with their sexuality slowly. Coming Out Among the QRs the most usual group of people to be told of their sexual orientation was friends followed by cousins. Parents and work colleagues were the last to be informed. The most common reason for coming out to friends was that they were close and this was another step in maintaining this closeness. Although 3 IRs felt that their sexual orientation was important, it was seen as only a minor part of their life. All 9 IRs knew

554

Bhugra

from an early age that they were different. However, they did not give this behavior/attraction any name. As one of them put it: "I think I was about 12 and realized because most of my friends were talking about girls and I wasn't . . . . It occurred to me that I was different but quite what it was I didn't know at that stage." Others expressed similar views. Others around the individuals noted this "strangeness" and reacted. Thus a process of "signification" begins to occur (Plummer, 1975). The step of acknowledgment of being gay to the self was seen as a feeling of relief as well as introducing a new set of anxieties. As part of the individual growth the next steps are homosexual identity acceptance, commitment to such an identity, and integration of such identity (Minton and McDonald, 1985). All the QRs by being in the social group have overcome this first stage though only a few had reached the third stage of integration of self-identity. This social support was seen as extremely valuable. Among the QRs, in response to the question whether they would take a pill that would make them completely and permanently heterosexual, the most common explanation for doing so was that being heterosexual could lead to a secure relationship. As one respondent said: "I'll take a pill that'll make me only stick to my boyfriend and lead a life like a happy heterosexual," This may be a reflection of the South Asian model of arranged marriage where by and large, divorce is a rare phenomenon. A similar proportion of respondents regretted being homosexual (compared to 25 who did not and 3 who did so sometimes). The most common explanation for this regret was not having children and going against the Asian culture. This would need to be correlated with the values and the jointness of the family and the impact of closeness of relationships. Thus, cultural assimilation and being valued within one's own culture became important features. In the U.K. sample, when individuals decided to come out to other Asians a similar picture emerged, i.e., coming out to friends followed by distant family and then leading onto immediate family and work colleagues. Positive gay images within the social group were appreciated by all the respondents who commented on it. One response says it for all of the individuals, I value (the group) a lot because I'm surrounded by people who understand me completely in both a sexual and a cultural context. Whereas if I go to a white group, they would only understand half the story I define as really alleviating the pressures from Asian gays and lesbians which other communities don't have and I think it does alleviate those pressures if not at a conscious level then at least at the subconscious level because you know there are people there if you need them which reduces the burden and also provides a kind of space away.

Coming Out by South Asian Gay Men

555

Friends were also least likely be unaware of the individual's sexual orientation. On the other hand only 7 sets of parents knew compared to 20 who did not. Brown (1989) observed patterns of being closeted and juggling the processes of coming out, i.e., rigid geographical and emotional distance from the family of origin; patterns of denial—where everyone knows but nobody talks about it. The "don't tell your father" scenario was present in both these samples. Religion

Within the family system, religion plays an important role. Among the IRs three of the five Hindus described themselves as quite religious to the extent of performing regular rituals and prayers. Even though the Muslims did not describe themselves as religious three out of four IRs found it difficult to relate their religion with their sexual orientation. Similar feelings were expressed among the QRs as well. It would be useful to ascertain levels of religious involvement with perceptions of sexual orientation. As the numbers are small, this should be seen as preliminary observation. Ethnicity

In the present sample there appeared to be a clear dissonance between culture and sexual orientation. The ethnic homosexual thus has a foot in each culture without feeling a complete sense of belonging in either. Although the Asian gay community is a sexual minority within a racial minority, it may not necessarily align itself easily with blacks and other minority groups and it does not fit well with the "majority" gay community either. As one of the IRs remarked, "in a sense I have experienced it on the scene itself, because gay society is a microcosm of society at large so you're going to get people on the left and the right and in the middle, and also wherever, so you are going to get bigots there as well. Just because they're gay doesn't mean (that) they have to be friendly towards other minorities." The respondents identified Asian insularity as an important factor within the gay community. Further research needs to look at self-esteem and self-acceptance among gays who are ethnic minorities. Compartmentalization

A majority of the respondents would make specific attempts to hide their sexuality. They would try largely to hide from colleagues more than

556

Bhugra

family. Very often they would "act straight," talk about girls, ask female friends to ring them at work, and use other smoke screens. Only 5 (from to 29 among QRs who answered the question) were advised to seek treatment or counseling for their sexual orientation. In two cases therapists advised them: "You'll grow out of it" and "You're straight." If these approaches are upheld by other studies, the training of therapists will become a major issue. The notion of self-acceptance is weak in a small group of the respondents. Feelings of regret, self-deprecation, and self-hatred are obvious. The discrepancy between being Asian and gay is quite traumatic for some. The Asian gay man faces the problem of creating a coherent sense of self from the two identities he seeks to attain: Asian and gay. Both these identities are stigmatized but possible choices are (i) to be Asian and gay and (ii) to be Asian and not gay. He cannot choose not to be Asian although he can easily reject the Indian/Pakistani/Ceylonese etc., cultures. This degree of conflict as well as assimilation within the culture needs to be studied further.

CONCLUSIONS Although the notions and stages of coming out among Asian gay men are fairly similar to those experienced by Western gay men, their ethnic identity plays an important role. External influences and pressures are culturally different and need to be studied in greater depth. An attempt should also be made to understand the "fit" of sexual orientation in the components of self-identity and self-esteem. Future research should also describe the range of solutions Asian gay males employ including compartmentalization to fend off pressures from family and community in order to cope with being gay. Although these strategies are employed by white gay men, here the concepts of cultural identity are vital in dealing with one's own sexual orientation.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I am grateful to all the respondents who were generous with their time and information. Thanks are also due to Drs. P. Davies and M. King for their comments on earlier drafts of this paper.

Coming Out by South Asian Gay Men

5S7

REFERENCES Bali, P. (1980). Contraceptive and sexual knowledge in Indian children I & II. Br. J. Sex. Med. 5: 26-28, 30. Bhugra, D. (1990). Negotiating the process of coming out in Asian gay men. Unpublished M.Sc. thesis for South Bank University, London. Bhugra, D., and King, M. B. (1989). Attitudes of Indian adolescents. Br. J. Sex. Med. 16: 458-461. Brown, L. S. (1989). Lesbians, gay men and their families: common clinical issues. J. Gay Lesbian Psychother. 1: 65-77. Cass, V. C. (1979). Homosexual identity formation. /. Homosex. 4: 219-235. Cohen, C., and Stein, T. (1986). Reconceptualizing individual psychotherapy with gay men and, lesbians. In Gonsiorek, J. (ed.), A Guide to Psychotherapy with Gay and Lesbian Clients, Plenum Press, New York. Coleman, E. (1981). The Development Stages of Coming Out Process. J. Homosex. 7: 31-43. Coleman, E. (1982). Developmental stages of the coming out process. In Gonsiorek, J. C. (ed.), A Guide to Psychotherapy with Gay and Lesbian Clients, Haworth Press, New York. Coleman, E. (1985). Developmental stages of the coming out process. In Paul, W. et al. (eds.), Homosexuality: Social, Psychological and Biological Issues, Sage, Beverley Hills, CA. Cramer, D. W., and Roach, A. J. (1988). Coming out to Mum and Dad. J. Homosex. 15: 79-91. Dalrymple, W. (1990). The hidden world of India's eunuchs. The Sunday Correspondent, March 4. Dank, B. M. (1971). Coming out in the gay world. Psychiatry 34: 180-197. Dwivedi, K. N. et al. (1979). Psychosexual attitudes of resident students in an Indian University. Br. J. Sex. Med. 6: 34-40. Erikson, E. (1946). Ego development and historical change. Psychoanal. Stud. Child 2:359-396. Fong, S. L. M. (1973). Assimilation and changing social roles in Chinese Americans. J. Soc. Issues 29: 115-127. Hencken, J. D., and O'Dowd, W. T. (1977). Coming out as an aspect of identity formation. Gay Acad. Union J. 1: 18-22. Isaac, G., and McKendrick, B. (1992). Male Homosexuality in South Africa, Cape Town. Jay, K., and Young, A. (1979). The Gay Report, Summit Books, New York. Khan, S. (1989a). Shakti. Square Peg, No. 26. Khan, S. (1989b). Shakti: One year on. Bazaar 9: 2-3. Lee, J. A. (1977). Going public: A study in the sociology of homosexual liberation. J. Homosex. 3: 49-78. Minton, H., and McDonald, G. (1984). Homosexual identity formation as a development process. /. Homosex. 9: 91-104. Plummer, K. (1975). Homosexual categories. In Plummer, K. (ed.), The Making of a Modem Homosexual, Hutchinson, London, pp. 53-75. Seabrook, J. (1990). Indian take away. New Statesman and Society, Feb 2, No. 86. Srivastva, S. P. (1973). Social profile of homosexuals in an Indian male prison. Eastern AnthropoL 26: 313-322. Srivastva, S. P. (1974a). Sex life in an Indian male prison. Ind. J. Soc. Work 35: 21-33. Srivastva, S. P. (1974b). The feel of imprisonment. Ind. J. Criminal 2: 46-54. Sultan (1990). Breaking Free. Bombay Dost 1(1): 2. Trenchard, L., and Warren, H. (1984). Something to Tell You, London Gay Teenage Group, London. Tremble, B., Schneider, M., and Appathurai, C. (1989). Growing up gay or lesbian in a multicultural context. Gay Lesbian Youth 253-266. Troiden, R. (1979). Becoming homosexual: a model of gay identity acquisition. Psychiatry 42: 362-373. Weinberg, M. S., and Williams, C. J. (1973). Male Homosexuals: Their Problems and Adaption, O.U.P., Oxford. Wirth, S. (1978). Coming out close to home: Principles for psychotherapy with families of lesbians and gay men. Catalyst 6-22.