Working with Parents Do Children Need Friends? by Patsy Allen

Jesse, now thirteen, has always had one, special, best friend. Ten-year-old Alice began her earliest social encounters with a large circle of friends and changes from friend to friend regularly. She has maintained this pattern throughout her childhood. Preschooler Emily, four years old, enjoys a small group of friends but also frequently prefers to play alone. Friendships mean different things to different people. Any parent can describe the patterns of friendship their children experience. I t ' s a mystery that children f r o m similar environments exhibit such varied interests in other people. Early research focused on the relationships between a mother and her child as the most important ingredient in developing friendship skills. As children are p l a c e d in g r o u p s at younger ages for care and learning, more emphasis is being placed on the interaction between children and how it contributes to the growth of friendships. Regardless of the history, parents and teachers all agree that, much of the time, children's greatest pleasures and deepest frustrations can be traced to their friends. Y o u n g children d e s c r i b e their friends as playmates at preschool and

Patsy Allen has taught in and directed preschool, secondary, and college earlychildhood-education programs. Currently she is writing, consulting, and practicing her parenting skills with her three children in Friona, TX.

SPRING 1995

I

think of them as people they can trust. Friendships grow in stages. They begin as older infants and toddlers begin to move around and explore one another. Initially, a two-year-old is interested in another toddler as a physical object to explore. They respond to each other as they do to a new toy, touching, squeezing, pulling, and pushing. Once they begin to notice others at the end of the first year, their interest in others continues rapidly through their second and third years.

Before the age of two, there is little evidence of sex preference as children play. This begins to change at three and four. These early exposures to others are object-centered. One child notices another's toy, becomes interested in it, and proceeds to take it away. A variety of toys can facilitate early interactions. Experience is a great teacher. Even young children benefit f r o m opportunities to "play" with a variety of c h i l d r e n - - t h e i r age, older, and

43

younger. As children grow older, they realize that friendships can be established gradually as they share interests, values, and activities. Factors which seem to affect the attractions between friends are physical appearance, athletic skills, intellectual abilities, and family backgrounds. Having friends allows children a sense of belonging to a group other than their immediate family and lets them compare themselves to others. This is a critical part of developing their sense of self. It also provides opportunities to learn and practice important social skills. Social skills are techniques for making and maintaining interactions and relationships with others. Children are more likely to acquire such social skills f r o m each other than from adults. As children spend time together, even at very early ages, they communicate. Language skills change quickly as toddlers interact, request, and respond. Communication skills are a critical component in friendships and relationships throughout life. Children should be assisted in learning and using the words which describe how they feel and what they want so that they can explain themselves. Friends provide role models. It is important for children to know others well enough to respect that everyone has unique ideas, suggestions, feelings, and moods. As they talk, play, and cooperate, they imagine themselves in the other's role. These experiences contribute to the beginning of feelings of empathy for and understanding of others. When friends are together, they compare themselves to each other. Often this comparison allows children to realize they are equals and have many things in common. Other times, they note differences. In both situations, children learn to analyze and evaluate t h e m s e l v e s . T h e y may choose to acquire new attitudes, to change, or to drop behaviors which don't fit. They learn to compete to maintain the status of friendship. Friends also have times to enjoy the c o m f o r t of getting along among equals. Friends frequently, at young ages, 44

experience periods of discord. When this happens, children may develop skills in identifying and expressing personal rights and feelings clearly. These turbulent episodes teach children to manage and resolve conflicts with reasoning and compromises. Unfortunately, friendships provide the playground for children to develop some undesirable traits. It is amazing how quickly children develop skills in stereotyping people, teasing, alienating, and rejecting others. These incidents create insecurity, jealousy, resentment, and sadness. It was found that the most popular c h i l d r e n - - t h o s e whom their classmates e n j o y e d playing with the most--were also the ones who most often paid attention to other children, praised them, showed affection, and willingly acceded to their requests. Children who frequently ignored others, refused to cooperate, and ridiculed or blamed and threatened others were most likely to be disliked by their classmates (Hartrup, 1967). Ultimately, for children to be included and accePted, they must include and accept others. Even though children can develop friendships on their own, there are ways parents and teachers can assist. Research indicates that those threeyear-olds who have the most secure relationships with their mothers also tend to be the most competent in peer interactions (Lieberman, 1977). Parent friendships set the tone and example for their children. Especially for very young children, parents are the ones who choose playmates and provide the opportunities for their children's interactions. Parents can help by creating situations for their children to play with children of a variety o f ages and by being appropriate role models with their adult friends. Adults may intervene by matchmaking two children who seem to share interests and needs. This does not necessarily mean that all children need or even want lots of friends. But each child should be allowed and encouraged to develop the skills to initiate play and relationships if he or she chooses. All children may not be popular, but all will benefit from experiencing positive relationships

with others. As children spend more and more time with teachers and caregivers, these people can be instruments in facilitating friendships. Teachers support budding friendships by being helpful and nurturing, and by suggesting solutions and compromises. A balance of teacher-structured and freeplay periods gives children time to practice being friends. Abundant playequipment supplies tend to help prevent conflicts. However, less equipment motivates children to work together and play cooperatively (Rubin, 1980). The type of equipment and activity also requires some consideration. Older boys tend to congregate and work well in large groups. Girls are frequently more exclusive and stay in smaller groups. This pattern may go back to their early play experiences, where girls traditionally play house, swing, or play games with one or two others. Boys tend to build with blocks or do sports like soccer or baseball, which require cooperation among the participants. Teachers need to encourage more exposure for boys and girls to all types of activities and need to attempt to avoid sex stereotyping in activities, books, and conversations. Parents and teachers should avoid embarrassing less socially confident or skilled children in front of others. Avoid labeling children as shy, aggressive, or pushy. Be sensitive to the needs of children, especially those who may be in a crisis or change, like moving to a new location or living in a divorcing family. Most children and adults have vivid memories involving friends. Yet the number of very special friends a person has is usually quite small. Remind children that the quality of relationships is more important than the quantity; but everyone needs friends. References Hartrup, W. "Peer Reinforcement and Sociometric Status." Child Development, 1967, 38, 1017-1024. Lieberman, A. "Preschoolers' Competence with a Peer: Relations with Attachment and Peer Experience." Child Development, 1977, 48, 1277-1287. Rubin, Z. Children's Friendships. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1980. DAY CARE AND EARLY EDUCATION