Sex Roles (2008) 58:626–638 DOI 10.1007/s11199-007-9369-z

ORIGINAL ARTICLE

Urban Heterosexual Couples’ Sexual Scripts for Three Shared Sexual Experiences David Wyatt Seal & Michael Smith & Brenda Coley & June Perry & Maria Gamez

Published online: 18 December 2007 # Springer Science + Business Media, LLC 2007

Abstract A heterogeneous sample of 38 young adult heterosexual couples living in a US city (N=76) provided narratives about their first, most physically arousing, and most emotionally intimate sexual experiences. Physical arousal and passion and emotional intimacy intrapsychic scripts were evident across all three sexual experiences, although both discourses encompassed multiple subthemes. First sexual occasions generally adhered to more traditional interpersonal sexual scripts, while greater mutuality was observed in the other two sexual experiences. Traditional interpersonal scripts were most prevalent within couples in which there was a greater male-to-female age differential and in which the male partner was older or Black. Our findings reinforce the need to systematically examine sexual scripts among underrepresented populations and across diverse types of sexual experiences. D. W. Seal (*) Center for AIDS Intervention Research, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Medicine, Medical College of Wisconsin, 2071 N. Summit Ave., Milwaukee, WI 53202, USA e-mail: [email protected] M. Smith Department of Psychology, Susquehanna University, Selinsgrove, PA, USA B. Coley Diverse & Resilient, Inc, Milwaukee, WI, USA J. Perry New Concept Self Development Center, Inc., Milwaukee, WI, USA M. Gamez Bilingual Communication Services, Greendale, WI, USA

Keywords Sexual scripts . Heterosexuals . Couples . Young adults

Introduction Substantial research suggests that the desire for emotional intimacy and/or the desire for physical arousal are primary motives for involvement in sexual behavior (Brooks 1995; Ortiz-Torres et al. 2003; Peplau 2003; Rosenthal et al. 1998; Seal and Ehrhardt 2003). However, few studies have directly examined people’s self-perceived phenomenological experience of emotionally intimate and physically arousing sexual events. In this article, we summarize narratives collected from young adult heterosexual couples about each partner’s own subjective experience of three shared sexual events with their partner: first sex together, most emotionally intimate, and/or their most physically arousing. Specifically, we report on the sexual scripts present in participants’ narratives and examine differences in the scripts reported by women versus men. Scripts are cognitive schema characterizing a particular sequence of events, such as going out on a first date. They refer to the organization of mutually shared conventions that allow two or more actors to participate in a complete act involving mutual interaction (Gagnon and Simon 1973; Simon and Gagnon 1986). Sexual scripts are theorized to play a key role in how we understand and enact sexual behavior (Littleton and Axsom 2003). The bulk of the sexual script literature has focused on a normative or “traditional” script for heterosexual interactions. At an interpersonal level, the traditional heterosexual script posits that men are the initiators of sexual activity and women are the “gatekeepers,” responsible for controlling the boundaries of sexual intimacy within a couple (Brooks

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1995; Byers 1996; Simon and Gagnon 1986; Tiefer 1995). An extensive body of research supports the attitudinal and behavioral existence of the traditional heterosexual script among both genders. However, research also suggests that more egalitarian scripts are becoming normative (Schwartz and Rutter 1998; Seal and Ehrhardt 2003; Seal et al. 2000) and that current norms sanction sex for both genders within a loving relationship (Bettor et al. 1995; Byers 1996; O’Sullivan 1995; Seal and Ehrhardt 2003). Further, evidence suggests that the initiation of sexual behavior becomes more egalitarian as a relationship becomes more committed, and both men and women initiate sex, refuse sex, and engage in unwanted, but non-coercive, sexual relationships (O’Sullivan and Allgeier 1998; O’Sullivan and Byers 1992; Seal and Ehrhardt 2003; Seal et al. 2007). The traditional heterosexual intrapsychic script suggests that women’s primary motive for involvement in sexually intimate behavior is a desire for emotional intimacy (Rosenthal et al. 1998; Ortiz-Torres et al. 2003). For men, involvement in sexually intimate behavior reflects two primary motives: desire for emotional intimacy and desire for sexual pleasure and conquest (Brooks 1995; Peplau 2003; Rosenthal et al. 1998; Seal and Ehrhardt 2003). Women, more than men, report love, commitment, and emotional intimacy as motives for having sex; men, more than women, report a desire for pleasure, fun, and physical attraction as motives for having sex (Hynie et al. 1998; Leigh 1989; Meston and Buss 2007). Nonetheless, in her summary of the literature, Peplau (2003) concluded that the differences between men and women are not absolute, but rather a matter of degree. She further suggested that there may be more within-gender variation than between-gender variation in sexual motives. This may be particularly true for committed relationships in which sexual roles become more egalitarian over time. Although involvement in sexual behavior has been historically attributed to either a desire for emotional intimacy or a desire for sexual pleasure and sexual conquest, some have argued that this conceptualization is overly reductionistic. For example, in their assessment of individual differences in the experience of sexual motivation, Hill and Preston (1996) concluded that there are eight independent dispositional sexual motives: (1) to feel valued, (2) to value a partner, (3) to gain relief from stress of negative affect states, (4) to provide nurturance, (5) to feel personal power, (6) to experience a partner’s power, (7) to experience pleasure, and (8) to procreate. Their taxonomy gives emphasis to not only internal motivational factors, but also external motivators. More recently, Meston and Buss (2007) developed a taxonomy that included four primary and 13 subfactors underlying individual motivation for engaging in sex, including (1) Physical (stress reduction, pleasure, physical

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desirability, experience seeking), (2) Goal Attainment (resources, social status, revenge, utilitarian), (3) Emotional (love and commitment, expression), and (4) Insecurity (self-esteem boost, duty/pressure, mate guarding). This taxonomy adds emphasis to possible motivations for a wider gamut of sexual experiences and partnership types. Alternatively, Cooper et al. (1998) suggested that motives for sexual behavior should be conceptualized dimensionally rather than as a taxonomy. Specifically, they propose two general dimensions: (1) negative versus positive reinforcement, and (2) self- versus social-orientation. Combined, these two dimensions yield four general categories of sexual motives: (a) enhancement motives which aim to produce self-pleasure during sex (positive-self orientation), (b) intimacy motives (positive-social orientation), which aim to achieve emotional intimacy during sex, (c) coping motives, which aim to reduce threats to self-esteem or minimize negative emotions during sex (negative-self orientation), and (d) approval motives, which aim to avoid social censure or gain another’s approval during sex (negative-social orientation). In summary, the above studies offer evidence that people’s motives to engage in sexual behavior may be more complex than the historical conceptualization of two basic sexual motives: desire for emotional intimacy and desire for sexual pleasure and sexual conquest. Yet, even despite their broader conceptualizations of sexual motives, the aforementioned studies still provided evidence, albeit inconsistently in the Hill and Preston (1996) study, in support of traditional gender differences in sexual motivations. A limitation of this body of research is an over-reliance on examination of hypothetical sexual situations or on the general association between the endorsement of specific sexual motives and general sexual behavior patterns. For example, studies have generically assessed participants’ ratings of the importance of various motivations for having or not having sex (e.g., Hill and Preston 1996; Leigh 1989). Other researchers have examined participant endorsement of various sexual motives in relation to a person’s actual sexual behavior or in relation to the extent to which different hypothetical sexual situations stimulate general sexual arousal or a desire to have sex (e.g., Browning et al. 2000; Hill 1997). Moreover, considerable research has focused on emotional intimacy and sexual pleasure as motives leading to engagement in an array of sexual behavior. However, less research has directly examined people’s scripts for actual sexual experiences they have shared with a dating partner. To address this limitation, we conducted research with heterosexual couples to explicitly elicit each partner’s respective narratives about their own subjective experience of shared sexual events with their partner that they retrospectively characterized as their most emotionally

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intimate and/or their most physically arousing. We also collected partners’ respective narratives about their first occasion of sexual intercourse together. A primary difference between our study and prior research was that we explicitly explored gender differences in partners’ respective phenomenological experiences of these three specific sexual events within a coupled relationship. Participant narratives were then analyzed to identify and describe the interpersonal and intrapsychic scripts present within them. Our study further expanded the existing script literature through recruitment of an ethnically diverse sample of lower-income couples living in an urban area. Although research suggests that sexual scripts are becoming more egalitarian, especially within steady relationships (Hynie and Lydon 1995; O’Sullivan and Byers 1992), this work has been criticized for its focus on samples that are predominantly White, more educated, and/or possess greater socioeconomic status (Metts and Spitzberg 1996; Ortiz-Torres et al. 2000; Peplau 2003). Critics of sexual script research have argued that the impact of cultural factors on the individual expression of scripts remains largely unstudied (Ortiz-Torres et al. 2000; Peplau 2003; Seal and Ehrhardt 2003; Seal et al. 2000; Wyatt 1994). These authors suggest that women in relationships characterized by unequal power, economic disempowerment, and educational inequalities are more likely to submit to traditional gender roles (Amaro 1995; Ehrhardt et al. 1992; Gomez and VanOss-Marin 1996; Ortiz-Torres et al. 2000). Thus, we report on differences across age, race, income, and education. We further examined the effect of partner age differentials on couples’ sexual scripts. Research with adolescents and young adults suggests that being involved in a sexual relationship with a greater maleto-female age differential increases the likelihood that women will experience negative sexual consequences, particularly if the relationship is characterized by traditional gender role adherence (Agurcia et al. 2001; Darroch et al. 1999; Ford and Lepkowski 2004; Gowen et al. 2004). In this article, we report on the percentage of participants who reported each of the three respective sexual experiences, as well as the extent to which two or more of these experiences occurred in a single sexual event (e.g., a person’s first sexual encounter was also his/her most emotionally intimate). We then describe participants’ selfreported interpersonal and intrapsychic scripts for three sexual experiences that they shared with their current dating partner: first sexual experience together, most physically arousing, and most emotionally intimate. We further report on whether there were gender differences in the thematic patterns present within each of the three sexual experiences. Finally, we present analyses that examined whether thematic patterns differed across age, race, income, education, and partner age differential.

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Method Participants A convenience sample of 38 heterosexual couples (N=76 individuals) involved in a steady dating relationship was recruited from community sites and newspaper ads. Partners completed separate, but parallel, qualitative individual elicitation interviews about their relationship. Participants were heterogeneous with respect to age, race, educationlevel, and income (see Table 1). The sample was predominantly Black/African-American (61%) or White (25%), ranging in age from 18 to 38 years (mean=27.2). The median education was a high school diploma or equivalent. The mean annual income was $7,035, and about half (49%) of the sample reported no annual income. The median relational length was 6.4 months (range: 1–24). Recruitment and Interview Procedures Couples were recruited in one of two urban community settings: a public community center or a multi-purpose building which housed several health and social service programs. Flyers were posted in each facility and project staff made direct presentations to participants in agency programs. Attendees at these presentations were invited to enroll in the study. Additionally, a few couples were recruited through newspaper ads. To be eligible for participation, both partners had to consent to enrollment. Consent was individually and confidentially administered to partners to ensure that each person was participating voluntarily and free of any coercion. Each person received $25 for the interview. No individual identifiers were collected to ensure participants’ anonymity. Interviews were audiotaped and transcribed. After transcription, the audiotapes were destroyed. The semi-structured individual elicitation interviews, conducted by a same-gender interviewer, were organized Table 1 Characteristics of participants in a study of sexual scripts among urban couples (N=38 couples). Characteristic

Women

Men

Mean age (range) Race Black/African-American White Other Mean income (median)

25.8 (18–38)

28.6 (18–37)

24 (63.2%) 11 (28.9%) 3 (7.9%) $7,169 ($0)

24 (63.2%) 10 (26.3%) 4 (10.5%) $6,901 ($5,904)

Education < High school degree High school degree or equivalent Some college or higher

13 (34.2%) 16 (42.1%) 9 (23.8%)

11 (28.9%) 12 (31.6%) 15 (39.4%)

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around a set of general topics. The first part of the interview focused on how couples met and how their relationship had progressed to the time of the current interview (data not presented). The interview next explored sexual experiences shared by the couple. We report on participant’s narratives about three sexual experiences as individually perceived by each partner: the first time that the couple had sex, their most physically arousing sexual experience with their partner, and their most emotionally intimate sexual experience with their partner. Probes were used to elicit additional details about the interpersonal and intrapsychic scripts guiding these experiences. Data Analytic Procedures—Qualitative Transcribed interviews were analyzed for emergent themes pertinent to the questions of interest using principles of Grounded Theory Analysis (Corbin and Strauss 1990; Strauss and Corbin 1994). We initially examined the transcripts to identify primary coding categories as well as a range of themes present within each category. This initial analytic step was conducted independently for each of the three respective narratives presented in this article. Identified coding categories and themes from the three respective narratives were organized into an integrated code book, and illustrative quotes relevant to these themes were extracted. Next, transcripts were content coded. New themes that did not appear to fit into the original code book were discussed by the coding team and modifications were made when deemed appropriate. When suggested by associations, overlap, or diversions in the data, thematic categories were refined, merged, or subdivided. Three dimensions of interpersonal scripts were rated: who initiated the sexual encounter, who set the boundaries of the sexual encounter, and who controlled the pace of the sexual encounter. For each narrative, one of four global ratings was assigned to each of these three dimensions (100: predominantly male partner, 200: predominantly female partner, 300: predominantly mutual, 400: predominantly bidirectional). The narratives also were coded for the presence of intrapsychic themes. The final integrated code book was comprised of 36 distinct intrapsychic themes that were identified in the initial examination of the narratives for the three sexual situations. Twenty of these codes clustered around the broad thematic category of physical arousing and passion, while 14 codes clustered around the broad thematic category of emotional intimacy. Two additional codes applied to both categories: all sex is arousing (intimate); “it just was (arousing/intimate)”—no specific reason evident or provided by the participant. A final code denoted absence of the experience (e.g., never had physically arousing/emotionally intimate sexual experience with partner).

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Summaries were initially rated by two members of the data analytic team. Inter-rater discrepancies were discussed until consensus about the appropriate code was obtained. Decision trails were noted and documented to assure that interpretations were supported by the data (Hall and Stevens 1991; Sandelowski 1986). This process was repeated until the study raters consistently achieved 80% or greater concordance, after which the summaries were rated by a single evaluator. Ten percent of the remaining summaries were randomly selected for independent evaluation by the two raters. The overall concordance rate was .93 across the interviews that were evaluated by both raters. Most of the discrepancies involved the omission of a minor theme by one of the coders rather than disagreement about a major theme. Data Analytic Procedures—Quantitative For the first sexual experience, we explored differences across five couples-level variables: mean couple age, partner age differential (defined as male partner age minus female partner age), mean couple income, partner income differential (defined as male partner income minus female partner income), couples’ categorical education rank (1: both ≤ high school degree or equivalent, 2: one partner ≤ high school degree or equivalent and one partner > high school degree, 3: both partners > high school degree). For the most physically arousing and most emotionally intimate sexual experiences, we explored within-gender individual differences across age (continuous), race (African-American/ Black, other), income (continuous), education (≤ high school degree or equivalent, > high school degree), and by partner age differential. Within-couple comparisons of partner data and withinsubject comparisons of narratives were performed using the McNemar Chi-Square Test. For analyses of descriptive differences in thematic patterns, both Chi-Square and nonparametric statistical procedures were used. For analyses of continuous data (e.g., age, income), we used the Kruskal– Wallis test. For analysis of categorical data, we conducted Chi-Square analyses. The Linear-by-Linear Association (LLA) statistic is reported when the categorical data were ordered (e.g., education level). The Pearson Chi-Square (X2) statistic is reported when the categorical data were unordered (e.g., race). When cell sizes were less than five, the Fisher’s Exact Test statistic is reported.

Results Frequency and Similarity of Sexual Experiences All participants reported having sex with their partner. Thirty-six men (94.7%) and 34 (89.5%) women reported a

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most physically arousing sexual experience, whereas 36 men (94.7%) and 35 women (92.1%) reported a most emotionally intimate sexual experience. Three men (7.9%) and four women (10.5%) said their most physically arousing experience was their first sexual occasion with their partner, whereas four men (10.5%) and one woman (2.6%) said their first sexual occasion with their partner was their most emotionally intimate experience. Seven men (18.4%) and one woman (2.6%) said their most emotionally intimate and their most physically arousing experiences were the same event. Thirty-three couples (86.8%) reported considerable descriptive similarity in their respective first sex narratives, indicating that they were describing the same event. There was less consistency in the respective partner narratives of five couples (13.2%), making it difficult to determine whether they were describing the same event. Thus, we dropped these five couples from the first sex analyses. However, these couples were included in the analyses of men’s and women’s respective narratives about emotionally intimate and physically arousing experiences. In contrast to the high degree of concordance for first sex narratives, only five couples (13.2%) and seven couples (18.4%), respectively, reported identical sexual events as their most physically arousing or their most emotionally intimate experience. Partners in the remaining couples perceived different sexual events as the most physically arousing or most emotionally intimate. Interpersonal and Intrapsychic Scripts—General Findings Interpersonal Scripts Evidence for both traditional and non-traditional interpersonal scripts was present in participants’ narratives for all three sexual experiences. The narrative below illustrates a traditional script, whereby the male partner initiates and controls the pace of the sexual encounter, and the female partner is the boundary setter: We were just kissing and he was trying to touch me, but at the time I was like, “No, no, no, I don’t want to do that. I’m not ready for this.”...And then it was like the next thing I know is we were on the floor, and I’m like “Oh boy, I didn’t want to do this.” But I didn’t oppose. I just let it go. I just went with the flow. In contrast, the narrative below illustrates a nontraditional script, whereby traditional gender roles were reversed: I was just teasing him to no extent...Like kiss him, when I had gone down on him. I was kissing him to his neck, his ears and down, licked really gently

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around him and rub up against him. Do like a little stripping thing...Then we had sex. I was more on top than on the bottom. I liked having control. It was fun... I was being really cruel. Other narratives reflected mutuality of initiation, control, and boundaries: “Nobody decided that [to have sex]. It wasn’t like one took control. It just took it’s own course.” Intrapsychic Scripts Across all three sexual situations, intrapsychic scripts broadly aligned with the two traditional conceptualizations of sexual motives: physical arousal and passion (PA) and emotional intimacy (EI). However, both core discourses contained multiple underlying themes that varied across participants and experiences. Within the PA thematic cluster, which centered on sexual arousal and passion, we identified four distinct underlying themes (see Table 2). One theme was general physical arousal and pleasure: “We had very good sex that night. Oh, yes we did! She cracked the plaster on my walls as a matter of fact.” In a second set of narratives, arousal was associated with a specific aspect of the sexual experience, including the sexual spontaneity,

Table 2 Intrapsychic sexual scripts of urban couples for three shared sexual experiences (N=38 couples). Physical arousal and passion themes General physical arousal and pleasure Arousal associated with a specific sexual behavior Excitement of sexual spontaneity Sexually pleasing one’s partner Being sexually pleased by one’s partner Controlling one’s partner Being controlled by one’s partner Doing a specific sexual behavior Doing a novel sexual behavior Sense of eroticism Doing something taboo Having sex in a public place Irresistible physical attraction Emotional intimacy themes Verbally intimate communication Expressions of love and affection Expressions of relational commitment Other intimate disclosure Relational symbolism of a sexual event Having sex for the first time Having sex without a condom for the first time Sense of romanticism preceding sex Celebration of a special event Reunification After a fight or relational separation After spending time apart

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behavior aimed at sexually pleasing or being pleased by one’s sexual partner, controlling or being controlled by one’s partner within the sexual situation, and doing a specific or a novel sexual behavior. A third expression of the PA thematic cluster was a sense of eroticism, most often resulting from doing something considered taboo (e.g., bondage) or having sex in a public place: “Taking a chance with getting caught and having sex [in the park] without getting caught was like doing it on the edge, on the spur of the moment, just hot and arousing.” Finally, some participants associated arousal with irresistible physical attraction. The EI thematic cluster, which centered on feelings of emotional intimacy with one’s partner, encompassed three distinct themes (see Table 2). Some EI themes focused on verbally intimate communication, including expressions of love and affection, expressions of relational commitment, or other intimate disclosures. A second set of EI themes was connected to specific events: the relational symbolism of having sex for the first time or having sex for the first time without a condom, romantic occasions, or celebration of a special event. Finally, some EI narratives described sexual experiences in which couples made up after a fight or reunited after a separation: “Being back together after all that time apart was just so emotional.” Next, we describe the patterns of interpersonal and intrapsychic scripts present within participants’ three sexual experience narratives. For first sex, in which partners described the same sexual event, we summarized the data

at the couple’s level. For the most physically arousing and emotionally intimate sexual experience narratives, in which partners typically described different sexual events, we present the findings separately for men and women. First Sex Narratives (N=33 Couples) There was high (.89) partner concordance for who initiated, controlled the pace of, and set the boundaries of the couples’ first sexual encounter (see Table 3). About half of couples agreed the male partner initiated their first sexual encounter, whereas about a third of couples indicated that the female partner was the initiator. Similarly, slightly less than half of couples agreed the pace of the sexual encounter was controlled by the male partner; a third said it was mutually controlled. In contrast, about two-thirds of couples agreed that the boundaries of the sexual encounter were set by the female partner. Partners’ respective narratives reflected the same predominant intrapsychic script (24 of 33 couples, 72.7%); other couples’ narratives reflected a discordant script (see Table 3). However, at the aggregate level, there were no significant differences in the percentage of men and women whose narrative revealed a predominant PA versus EI script, nor in the percentage of men and women whose narrative contained at least one PA theme or at least one EI theme for their first sexual experience. Overall, a PA intrapsychic script was predominant in about two-thirds of the narratives

Table 3 Sexual scripts in urban couples’ narratives about three shared sexual experiences (N=38 couples). Sexual script

First sexual occasion

Most physically arousing sexual experience

Most emotionally intimate sexual experience

Couples level (N=33)

Women (N=34)

Men (N=36)

Women (N=35)

Men (N=36)

26 (76.5%) 8 (23.5%) NA

21 (58.3%) 15 (41.7%) NA

7 (20.0%) 28 (80.0%) NA

13 (36.1%) 23 (63.9%) NA

17 (50.0%) 6 (17.6%) 11 (32.4%) NA

16 (44.4%) 7 (19.4%) 13 (36.1%) NA

18 (51.4%) 8 (22.9%) 9 (25.7%) NA

12 (33.3%) 8 (22.2%) 16 (44.4%) NA

8 (23.5%) 17 (50.0%) 9 (26.5%) NA

7 (19.4%) 11 (30.6%) 18 (50.0%) NA

4 (11.4%) 19 (54.3%) 12 (34.3%) NA

1 (2.8%) 14 (38.9%) 21 (58.3%) NA

13 (38.2%) 6 (17.6%) 15 (44.1%) NA

8 (22.2%) 5 (13.9%) 23 (63.9%) NA

10 (28.6%) 7 (20.0%) 18 (51.4%) NA

9 (25.0%) 5 (13.9%) 22 (61.1%) NA

Predominant intrapsychic script Physical arousal/passion 16 (48.5%) Emotional intimacy 8 (24.2%) Discordant partner scripts 9 (27.3%) Initiation of sexual encounter Male partner 16 (48.5%) Female partner 10 (30.3%) Mutual 3 (9.1%) Discordant partner scripts 4 (12.1%) Set boundaries of sexual encounter Male partner 3 (9.1%) Female partner 21 (63.6%) Mutual 4 (12.1%) Discordant partner scripts 5 (15.2%) Controlled pace of sexual encounter Male partner 15 (45.5%) Female partner 5 (15.2%) Mutual 11 (33.3%) Discordant partner scripts 2 (6.1%)

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(women: 63.6%, men: 60.6%) as illustrated by this man’s narrative: We started kissing and I started rubbing her hair and on her face and running my fingers all over her body, on her breast and down to her vagina... Then, she got real hot and she says, “I love it too much. I got to have it.” So, I was like rock hard anyway. I think I’m over sexed. I really do. I took out my penis and just slid it up in her. And, she was like, “Oh, that feels good.” In the remaining narratives for each gender (women: 36.4%, men: 39.4%), an EI intrapsychic script was predominant as seen in this woman’s recollection: “We wanted to build the relationship up so that the relationship we have is not based on sex.... So that when we did have sex, it wouldn’t be just a sexual thing. Emotion behind it as well.” Similarly, a male participant described his first sexual encounter with his partner as “very intimate… Because we had fallen in love with each other and we hadn’t completely expressed it yet. The first time we had expressed that to each other. It was very intense.” Male-initiated, compared to female- or mutually-initiated, encounters were associated with a greater partner age differential [median: 4.0 versus 1.0 years, Kruskal–Wallis X2(1) =4.955, p=.026], and were reported more often by couples in which both partners (58.5%) or one partner (66.7%) had less than a high school education compared to couples in which both partners had more than a high school education (0%) [LLA X2(1)=3.857, p=.05]. Similarly, couples who reported that the male partner controlled the pace of the sexual encounter had a greater age differential than those who reported non-traditional control [median: 3.0 versus 2.5 years, Kruskal–Wallis X2(1)=3.964, p=.046]. Male-controlled pace was reported more often by couples where both partners (52.9%) or one partner (66.7%) had less than a high school education compared to couples in which both partners had more than a high school education (0%) [LLA X2(1)=4.913, p=.027]. The partner age differential also was higher for couples in which both partners reported a PA discourse than for couples in which both partners reported an EI discourse [median: 3.0 versus −0.5 years, Kruskal–Wallis X 2(1) = 4.466, p = .035]. Couples who reported a PA, compared to an EI, discourse were more likely to report a traditional male-initiation script for their first sexual encounter [60.0 versus 12.5%, Fisher’s Exact Test=.039]. Most Physically Arousing Narratives Women’s Scripts (N=34) The majority of women’s most physically arousing narratives revealed male or mutual initiation and control of the

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sexual situation (see Table 3). In half of these narratives, women set the sexual boundaries of the encounter. PA themes were evident in the majority (88.2%) of women’s most physically arousing narratives. EI themes were present in about a fourth (25.5%) of women’s narratives. Overall, 26 (76.5%) of women’s most physically arousing narratives were rated as having a predominant PA discourse, while the other eight narratives (23.5%) were rated as having a predominant EI discourse. Characteristic of the PA theme was a state of heightened sexual arousal or pleasure, most often derived from a particular sexual behavior: He dressed me naked and he got this little can and he busted it out and it was like this little feather.....He kept taking the feather and sticking that little thing on my body and from there we were doing something really crazy. He was like on the side of me and I was like going crazy. Like this really odd position was driving me crazy. The most common EI theme in women’s most physical arousing narratives was focused on disclosure of personal feelings and emotional connectedness were: “We had spent all night talking about our feelings and dreams, and that just heightened the arousal.” Income level was lower among women whose narrative contained at least one physical arousal theme than among those whose narrative did not [median: $0 versus $11,160, Kruskal–Wallis X2(1)=3.779, p=.05], whereas women whose narrative contained at least one emotional intimacy theme had a higher level of income than those whose narrative did not [median: $12,000 versus $0, Kruskal– Wallis X2(1)=6.375, p=.012]. No other descriptive variable was related to differences in women’s narratives about their most physically arousing experience. Men’s Scripts (N=36) The majority of men’s most physically arousing narratives also revealed male or mutual initiation and control of the sexual encounter (see Table 3). In contrast, the boundaries of the encounter were mutually-set or determined by the female partner in most male narratives. PA themes were evident in about three-fourths (77.8%) of men’s narratives. EI themes were present in nearly half (47.2%) of men’s narratives. Overall, 21 (58.3%) of men’s most physically arousing narratives were rated as having a predominant PA discourse. The other 15 narratives (41.7%) were rated as having a predominant EI discourse. As with women’s narratives, PA themes in men’s narratives reflected a state of heightened sexual pleasure, most often associated with a particular sexual behavior. In contrast to EI themes in women’s most physical arousing narratives which typically

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focused on disclosure of personal feelings and emotional connectedness, EI themes in men’s narratives most often were characterized by the merging of emotional closeness with physical pleasure: “It was just an unexplainable sensation that I had. I was just happy. I felt just light as a cloud...I just think it’s more affection and love for the person and it makes it [sex] seem more intense...You seem more alive.” Men who initiated their most physically arousing sexual experience were older than men whose experience was female- or mutually-initiated [median: 32.5 versus 25.0 years, Kruskal–Wallis X2(1)=5.135, p=.023]. Men who were Black, compared to non-Blacks, were more likely to report male initiation [59.1 versus 21.4%, Fisher’s Exact Test=.041] and more likely to indicate that they controlled the pace [36.4 versus 0.0%, Fisher’s Exact Test=.013] of their most physically arousing sexual experience. Gender Differences Among couples in which both partners reported a most physically arousing sexual experience, there were no significant gender differences with regards to the percentage of men and women whose narratives were predominated by a PA versus an EI discourse, included at least one PA theme, included at least one EI theme, or adhered to a traditional versus non-traditional script for initiation, boundary-setting, or pace. Most Emotionally Intimate Narratives Women’s Scripts (N=35) Table 3 shows that over half of women’s most emotionally intimate experiences were initiated by the male partner. In over three-fourths of women’s narratives, the pace of the encounter was either mutually- or male-controlled. Sexual boundaries in these narratives were typically established by the woman or mutually established. The majority (85.7%) of women’s most emotionally intimate narratives contained EI themes. PA themes were present in about a fourth (28.6%) of the narratives. Overall, 28 (80.0%) of women’s most emotionally intimate narratives were rated as having a predominant EI discourse. The other seven narratives (20.0%) were rated as having a predominant PA discourse. EI themes most often centered on intimate disclosure and emotional connectedness: ...And then I said, “I love you.” And he said, “I love you.” That whole thing was emotional...You may think that at the moment, it’s all physical, but yet I just felt like it is so intimate. It is like I felt so much closer to him.

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Other EI discourses reflected feelings of closeness when having sex after reuniting or making up from a fight: “I guess it probably was more emotional because it was our first time together after the fight…And we were telling each other how sorry we were and how we still loved each other and wanted to be together. And it made the sex all that more emotional.” Emotionally intimate narratives in which a PA theme was evident typically reflected a person’s expression of love or affection through sexually pleasing his or her partner: That was my first time [initiating sex]. I wanted to make him feel the way he made me feel…Because someone is in me and the way he’s makin’ me feel and I figured I owed him somethin’ back. I wanted to make him feel good and satisfied. The pattern of interpersonal and intrapsychic scripts present in women’s most emotionally intimate narratives did not significantly differ across any of the descriptive variables. Men’s Scripts (N=36) Over three-fourths of men’s most emotionally intimate narratives revealed mutual or male initiation and control of the sexual situation (see Table 3). In contrast, the sexual boundaries were either mutually-set or set by the female partner in all but one narrative. Both EI (69.5%) and PA (61.2%) themes were common in men’s most emotionally intimate narratives. Overall, 23 (63.9%) of men’s narratives were rated as having a predominant EI discourse. The other 13 narratives (36.1%) were rated as having a predominant PA discourse. As with women’s narratives, EI themes in men’s narratives most often reflected intimate disclosure: “[What made it so special was] we talked in-between the sexual behavior…I talked about how much I loved her and how much I want things to work out between us and the future.” Another oft-observed theme in men’s most emotionally intimate narratives centered on spending quiet, relaxed time with a partner: “We decided to just be together and enjoy each other and be alone and away from other people and we did that. It was more than just the physical part and we were more together as a couple. And we were loving and cuddling and talking and being together.” The relational symbolism of having sex for the first time or having sex without a condom for the first time was another common theme. Other narratives reflected closeness associated with being reunited after being apart. Also similar to women’s narratives, PA themes in men’s most emotionally intimate narratives typically reflected a desire to please or be pleased by one’s

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partner: “I did something that I never did with anyone. I made love to this woman that night…Emotionally, my heart felt real good and I felt like it was fluttering. It just felt good.” Men who initiated their most emotionally intimate sexual experience were older than men whose experience was female- or mutually-initiated [median: 33.0 versus 27.0 years, Kruskal–Wallis X2(1)=5.388, p=.02]. The partner age differential was greater among men who indicated that they initiated [median: 6.0 versus 1.5 years, Kruskal–Wallis X2(1)=6.041, p=.014] or controlled the pace [median: 7.0 versus 1.0 years, Kruskal–Wallis X2(1)= 10.882, p=.001] of their most emotionally intimate sexual experience compared to those who did not. Blacks were more likely than non-Blacks to report traditional femaleboundary setting in their sexual experience [54.5 versus 14.3%, Fisher’s Exact Test=.033]. Gender Differences Among couples in which both partners reported a most emotionally intimate sexual experience, a higher percentage of men’s than women’s narratives contained at least one PA theme (57.6 versus 30.3%, McNemar Test=.022). There were no significant gender differences with regards to the percentage of men and women whose narratives were predominated by a PA versus an EI discourse, included at least one EI theme, or adhered to a traditional versus non-traditional script for initiation, boundarysetting, or pace. Within-gender Comparison of Scripts Present in the Most Physically Arousing Versus the Most Emotionally Intimate Narratives Examining participants who reported a most physically arousing and a most emotionally intimate experience [N= 33 women, N=35 men], significantly more women reported at least one PA theme in their most physically arousing versus their most emotionally intimate narratives [87.9 versus 30.3%, McNemar <.001]. In contrast, significantly more women reported at least one EI theme in their most emotionally intimate versus their most physically arousing narratives [84.8 versus 27.3%, McNemar <.001]. These differences were not evident among men. There were no significant differences in the extent to which men’s most physically arousing or their most emotionally intimate narrative contained at least one EI or PA theme. Nor were there any significant differences, for either gender, in the percentage of participants reporting traditional versus nontraditional scripts for initiation, boundaries, or pace within the two narratives.

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Discussion We examined heterosexual scripts related to dating partners’ first occasion of sexual intercourse, their most physically arousing sexual experience, and their most emotionally intimate sexual experience. In contrast to most sexual script research, our participants were predominantly minority and blue-collar urban couples. An additional strength of our study was the collection of data from both partners in these dating relationships. The intrapsychic scripts evident in the participants’ narratives across the three assessed sexual experiences broadly aligned with the two traditional conceptualizations of sexual motives: physical arousal and passion (PA) and emotional intimacy (EI). However, consistent with more recent work, the individual expression of these two core discourses contained multiple underlying themes that varied across participants and experiences. Within the PA thematic cluster, arousal was attributed to four distinct themes: (1) subjective experience of physical arousal and pleasure, (2) a specific aspect of the sexual experience, (3) eroticism, and (4) irresistible physical attraction. Within the EI thematic cluster, emotional intimacy was attributed to three distinct themes: (1) verbal disclosure and expression of love, (2) special events, and (3) making up after a fight or being reunited after a separation. Somewhat unexpectedly, a PA discourse was more predominant than an EI discourse in both men’s and women’s first sex narratives, a finding that was more likely as the partner age differential increased. For couples in which both partners reported a predominant PA discourse, the median male-to-female age differential was about seven times higher than among couples in which both partners reported a predominant EI discourse. The predominant intrapsychic scripts for the other two assessed sexual situations were generally consistent with the sexual situation being assessed: most physically arousing or most emotionally intimate. However, it is notable that opposite themed narratives were frequently observed: about half of men’s and a fourth of women’s most physically arousing narratives contained EI themes, and about three-fifths of men’s and a fourth of women’s most emotionally intimate narratives contained PA themes. Moreover, in over 40% of men’s most physically arousing narratives, an EI discourse was not only present, but also was rated as the predominant underlying motivation for men’s arousal. The relatively high proportion of scripts containing at least one EI theme in participants’ most physically arousing experience, particularly among men’s scripts, is somewhat counter to studies of gender differences in sexual desire, which find that women’s sexual arousal is tightly linked to intimacy whereas men’s is not (e.g., Hiller 2005; Oliver and Hyde 1993). However, it is important to note that these

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studies have focused on assessment of factors typically linked to the onset of sexual arousal, scale assessments of factors people self-attribute to arousal, and studies of physiological reactions to stimuli. In contrast, our study elicited retrospective reports of people’s phenomenological experience of a most physically arousing and most emotionally intimate sexual experience within a committed relationship. That is, our study relied on participants’ memory to report upon past events. Memory for sexual experiences can change with time, and subjective narratives reported by participants may not have accurately reflected past experiences. Nonetheless, these same recall biases can influence retrospective scale assessment of factors linked to the onset of sexual arousal or to the factors people generically self-attribute to arousal. Further, we would argue that any biases attributable to lapse of time from the event to recall in our study would be would be comparable across dating partners and thus mitigated. Collectively, our findings suggest intimacy and arousal discourses are not as mutually exclusive as often conceptualized. Rather, our data suggest that these two discourses may be intertwined, especially within the sexual context of men’s dating relationships. Substantial evidence suggests that women are more likely to intertwine general sexual arousal and emotional intimacy than do men, whereas men are more likely to experience and enjoy general sexual arousal separate from emotional intimacy. Perhaps, though, when reflecting on a most physically arousing experience with a dating partner, the presence of emotionally intimate motives underlies a man’s sense of heightened physical arousal as opposed to other experiences of sexual arousal within the relationship. We note that nearly- two-thirds of men’s EI narratives contained PA themes, further suggesting that most men did not disassociate emotionally intimate aspects of sexual experience from their physical arousal. In contrast, only about a fourth of women’s EI narratives contained a PA theme and less than a fourth of their PA narratives contained an EI theme. These findings suggest that women are more likely to compartmentalize these two experiences as separate phenomena. The focus on EI themes in women’s EI narratives is consistent with traditional notions of women’s sexuality. We speculate that the counter-normative experience of high physiological arousal in the absence of salient emotional intimacy cues may account for women perceiving these experiences as most physically arousing and, thus, distinct from other arousing experiences within their relationship. More generally, our findings are consistent with previous research (e.g., Hill and Preston 1996; Leigh 1989; Meston and Buss 2007) which suggested that, within the two traditional motivational clusters of desire for emotional intimacy and desire for sexual pleasure and conquest, there is a range of distinctive motivations for having sex. The

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distinct, underlying themes within these two clusters that were identified in our study offer partial support for the expanded conceptual frameworks proposed by others. Themes identified in our study are similar to five of the eight motives proposed by Hill and Preston (1996): to feel valued, to value a partner, to feel personal power, to experience a partner’s power, and to experience pleasure. We did not find evidence of their other three proposed motives: relief from stress of negative affect states, provision of nurturance, or desire to procreate. With regard to the taxonomy developed by Meston and Buss (2007), we found themes consistent with both sub-factors in the Emotional factor and all but one of the sub-factors (stress reduction) from the Physical factor. However, their proposed motives within the Goal Attainment and Insecurity factors were not evident in our narratives. Finally, our identified themes were consistent with both the positive-self (enhancement and pleasure) and positive-social (intimacy) quadrants of the dimensional model of sexual motives of Cooper et al. (1998). The only identified theme in our study which might be considered averse was sex resulting from making up after a fight or being reunited after a separation, although one might argue that this experience could also be considered positive-social. Taken collectively, the failure to fully replicate these other studies does not undermine their validity given the experiences assessed in our study. Whereas their studies focused on the scale endorsement of motives for having sex in general, our study focused on three specific sexual experiences within a relatively shorter-term dating relationship (median=6.4 months). Moreover, our three sexual experiences were likely to be perceived as relatively positive among study participants as they represented a symbolic moment in a couple’s relationship (first sex together) or experiences associated with physical arousal and pleasure or emotional intimacy. Thus, it is not surprising that motives that might be more commonly associated with casual sex (e.g., stress relief/reduction) or motives that could be considered averse (coping or approval) or counter-relational (e.g., Goal Attainment, Insecurity) were not widely evident in our study. Our data also offer some support for research suggesting that egalitarian interpersonal scripts are becoming normative and that the initiation of sexual behavior becomes more mutual or bidirectional as a relationship becomes more committed (O’Sullivan and Byers 1992; Schwartz and Rutter 1998; Seal and Ehrhardt 2003; Seal et al. 2000). In our study, couples’ interpersonal scripts for their first sexual encounter provided evidence of continued adherence to traditional gender roles, such that they were most often initiated and controlled by the male partner with the female partner typically controlling the boundaries of the encounter. Traditional interpersonal scripts were particularly

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common among couples with a greater age differential, who were less educated, and whose first sexual encounter was primarily driven by PA motives. However, greater mutuality of interpersonal scripts, particularly among men, was evident in participants’ narratives about their most physically arousing and emotionally intimate experiences. For these two sexual situations, traditional interpersonal scripts were more prevalent among men who were older, who were Black, or who had a greater age differential over their partner. Greater commitment and familiarity may partially explain the greater mutuality of interpersonal scripts observed in the most physically arousing and most emotionally intimate experiences compared to couples’ first sexual experience. These two experiences typically occurred later in a couple’s relationship than their first sexual experience together. Alternatively, it is possible that the increased egalitarianism observed in the PA and EI narratives may have contributed to participants’ feelings of strong emotional intimacy or physical arousal. For example, about 20% of men directly reported that the slow, mutually-initiated and controlled sexual pace of the sexual experience was a contributing factor to their feelings of emotional intimacy. Similarly, for some participants, female sexual initiation and control of the sexual experience was a contributing factor to their physical arousal. Further evidence for this hypothesis is found in analysis of PA narratives in which an arousal theme was predominant. Among women with a predominant PA theme, emphasis was typically given to their own pleasure or the mutual pleasure of both partners. In contrast, for men, emphasis was placed on the mutual pleasure of both partners. Within EI narratives with a predominant arousal theme, both men and women typically emphasized either their own or their mutual arousal and pleasure. Our study has limitations. Although the generalizability of our study is limited by recruitment of a convenience sample, data from 38 couples (representing 76 individuals) is an appropriate sample size for this type of qualitative research (Morse 1994). Further offsetting this limitation was the recruitment of a sample predominantly comprised of people who are members of underrepresented populations in the script literature. We acknowledge that our sample of couples who were willing to divulge the details of their sexual experiences may have held more liberal sexual attitudes than couples who did not participate. Although we cannot evaluate whether this was the case, self-selection biases could account for some of the more egalitarian scripts observed for the most emotionally intimate and physically arousing narratives. Nonetheless, we note that participants’ first sex narratives still demonstrated evidence of the strong influence of the traditional sexual script even among a sample of couples likely to

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endorse more liberal sexual scripts. Related, we did not document how long the couples had been dating when the sexual experiences reported in their narratives occurred. Given research has suggested that couples’ scripts may become more egalitarian over time, the length of time that couples had been dating when the experiences occurred also could have influenced the extent to which participants’ reported scripts were more or less egalitarian. Finally, we acknowledge that participant’s stories may have been influenced by social desirability or self-presentation biases. Nonetheless, we posit that people would be most likely to self-monitor those behaviors which they perceived to be governed by strong social norms; the identification of which was a key goal of our study. Thus, even socially biased stories would offer insight into our questions of current sexual scripts as perceived by urban working-class couples. Further, the high rate of concordance in partner’s respective narratives about their first sexual encounter suggests that participants were reliably reflecting on their past sexual experiences. That fewer than one-in-five couples reported identical encounters as their most physically arousing or their most emotionally intimate experience does not detract from the reliability of these reports. Unlike a first sexual experience between partners, which by definition should be the same event, there is no reason to believe that partners in a dating relationship would subjectively experience the same sexual events as particularly arousing or intimate. Further, building shared stories about events experienced as a couple can be an important component of developing a relationship. In contrast to most arousing or most intimate sexual events, which may be privately experienced by a partner, the first sexual encounter between partners is an overtly shared experience. Thus, this event has a greater likelihood of being discussed by the partners, which in turn may increase the likelihood that partners’ respective phenomenological experiences of this event would merge into a more closely shared story. Despite these limitations, our findings suggest possible couple- and individual-level trends warranting exploration. Partners who were closer in age indicated greater egalitarianism and more EI motives in their sexual experiences than did partners with increased age differentials. In contrast, couples with a greater male-to-female age differential displayed greater adherence to traditional gender roles. Research with adolescents and young adults suggests that being involved in a sexual relationship with a greater male-to-female age differential increases the likelihood that women will experience negative sexual consequences (e.g., STIs, unplanned pregnancy, abuse), particularly among women who are involved in a relationship characterized by traditional gender roles (Agurcia et al. 2001; Darroch et al. 1999; Ford and Lepkowski 2004; Gowen et al. 2004). At

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an individual-level, our study provides evidence for the importance of better understanding the influence of race on sexual scripts. Interestingly, the greater adherence to traditional scripts observed among Black men for their most physically arousing and most emotionally intimate experiences was not evident in the narratives of Black women. In sum, our study provides insight into the interpersonal and intrapsychic sexual scripts of urban working-class couples. Although traditional gender roles were commonly observed, non-traditional scripts were also evident, especially among non-Blacks and among couples closer in age. This finding offers some support for greater acceptance of non-traditional sexual scripts within more egalitarian relationships, something that has been reported in research with predominantly White, middle-class, and collegeeducated samples. However, this finding, at least for men, was moderated by race and reinforces the call for studies to systematically examine sexual scripts among underrepresented populations (Amaro 1995; Ortiz-Torres et al. 2000; Peplau 2003; Seal and Ehrhardt 2003; Seal et al. 2000; Wyatt 1994). Acknowledgments This project was supported by NIMH grants: R03-MH57382 (David W. Seal, P.I.) and P30-MH52776 (Jeffrey A. Kelly, P.I.); and by NIMH/NRSA grant T32-MH19985 (Steven Pinkerton, P.I.). Thanks to Latino Health Organization, New Concept Self Development Center, and Sixteenth Street Community Health Center for their support. Appreciation is also extended to the Couples research team for their contributions to the project, Tim McAuliffe for his statistical consultation, and the anonymous reviewers for their constructive feedback.

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